| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|07:32 pm] |
dear boy,
its over. yes as of tuesday you took the pain away, and decided to end it. you did something i couldnt do. i just cared too much to not put all my effort into it. i think that scared you. i think i was too intense for you. i fell too hard and wanted what you couldnt give me. because were not extraordinarily similar. but you see, and i never got to explain this, when i get into a relationship, i put my whole heart into it. i let myself fall hard because each time, and i dont know why, my faith comes back that another boy wont let me fall. and you do. of course you all do. my wall fell down because over the past 2 years i had been fighting with my wall, whether it was up too high or not up high enough. i took my guard down a little too far this time. and of course things didnt stay the same. but not cause i didnt want them to. because i dont believe you wanted all the same things that i did. its alright. that happens sometimes. thats life. i still care about you, but im not gunna hold a grudge this time. i wanna grab your pinkie and declare a truce. cause i know i wasnt happy, and i cant take the whole break up ordeal out on you. that wouldnt be very fair of me. so in some ways thank you, in other ways not so much. i dont regret it, i still learned a few things from it. and i truly hope we can still be friends. so cliche, i know.
love, sara
dear other boy,
look what weve gotten ourselves into. again. we are truly a record, each year we repeat what we did last year. this is the 4th time isnt it. i cant explain what draws me to you. our chemistry is like a magnetic and i just cant get over it. ive tried so hard. at some points in time i refused to even let myself talk to you, hoping it would go away. it hasnt. at the beginning of the school year, after not seeing you for 3 months, it hit back strong, the second our eyes met. and i couldnt believe it. i distinctly remember saying 'please dear god not again' cause i cant handle it anymore. for everytime youve broken my heart, without realizing it, and for everytime you broke my heart knowingly, i could be swimming in my frustration. and then we just started talking again. at first, it was the same as before. but somehow it turned into something different. one night we went to my ex's house together and you saw the chemistry that still lingers between us. chemistry that me and him will never act on again. nevertheless i think that got you thinking. you started saying things to me you never had before. 'im sometimes get jealous, i wish i couldve been where he had been in your life.' 'i wish we had tried dating' ' i dont think its too late. ever since then things have been different. i feel so geniuenly cared about again. and i dont want it to go away. a boy hasnt made me feel this important in 2 long years. i cant explain what i feel now because im still trying so hard not to feel it. complication-youre with her. and i feel guilty. i feel like karma is going to punish me and ill never get the chance with you, almost like god punishing me. if you cheat for what you want, itll haunt you. sometimes the sweetest things in life are the ones we work truly hard for. but i cant imagine stopping talking to you. i feel wonderful when im around you and i think its only human instinct to want to keep that sweet feeling in the pit of your stomach. as the weeks have progressed its gotten worse. and you know what, now i care about you so much more then i ever have. and im scared. and you know what else, now you care about me so much more then i couldve expected you too. but what has it all dwindled down too? this big mess of waiting. this idea that im suppose to wait for you to be ready to be with me. because its not worth leaving her yet, im not worth leaving her yet. i know you dont put it that way but its the truth. and now, other people are starting to realize whats going on. your best friend, and hes yelling at you for doing what were doing. and i feel terrible. and now youre torn, and youre weighing your options. and me? im still suppose to sit here and wait. and feel like a terrible person in the mean time. and if not now, how/why am i suppose to wait months and months for you to come around. and whos saying you will. no one. i cant put everything into this. even though i want to. im risking so much right now. but more then anything im risking getting my heart broken severly. ive told you i should let go. we should stop talking, i should take myself out of the picture, because its not worth making you feel the way you do. and you keep telling me no, that you cant stop talking to me and you dont want to lose me. but you might. im taking my time to think about it but honestly, what my hearts telling me now is to back off. i have to. you dont see it yet, but youre starting to hurt me. and its not purposeful, its by the sweet things you say and the way you treat me like im practically a walking dream to you. you make me see exactly what im missing and you make me want to be with you so bad. and i cant be. the past few days youve been saying these things. that youre not happy with her. but honestly, i think youre torn in a simpliar way. that you love her but you love the idea of me, and spending time with me. you more then anyone have witnessed the times ive been hurt by people i cared about more then anything in the world and i believe thats the biggest part. you cant fathom being another boy that hurts me, that you dont want to be on that list. but what else is there for me to do. keep holding on and risking this unmeasureable amount of hurt or should i just let it all go once and for all. i feel terrible for making you even second guess things. i feel bad you have to lie to her. this isnt the way i wanted things to start between us. i dont want to be the reason. i dont want you to regret things, or regret me. this is an extremely long letter, but yet, i still have thinking to do. and no ones going to help me figure this one out.
yours truly, sara |
|
|